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Dear
Chuck,
What
do you have to do to be submissive? A friend of mine told me that I
must obey all of my husband's commands unless he is asking me to
sin. Is this true? What are some everyday examples of a wife being
submissive to her husband? I really need your help because I get so
many confusing answers from everybody. I want to be submissive to my
husband and obey him if that is what God commands of me. Thank you
for your time and help in this matter.
Chuck's
Response
Thanks for the
note on how to be a submissive wife. I'm so glad you reached out,
because I think explaining this is one of the greatest failures of
the Christian church. The church has been giving out a lot of false
information over the past 2,000 years or so concerning what
submission and headship mean.
Most
of us have been taught that submission is something a wife does, and
leadership or headship is what the husband does. The problem is that
Ephesians 5:21 says "husbands submit." It talks about
MUTUAL submission under God ... equality ... teamwork. Then
Ephesians 5:22 says, "wives submit," but the context is
now a discussion as to how a wife feels loved and how a husband
feels loved and the role in which they would be the happiest.
I
don't think the church is taking a close enough look at the story
about the time when in Matthew 20:20-28 the mother of James and John
came up to the Lord and asked Him if her kids could sit up front
with Him when He came into His kingdom. I'm sure He was polite to
her, because that's what moms do -- look out for their children. But
later, He took His disciples and followers aside and said in effect,
"that's what the kings do, that's what the Gentiles do, that's
what the Romans do. They have to be up front and in charge. If you
want to be the head of a family, head of a church, head of a
business, head of a mission, then become a servant. And if you want
to become the greatest leader in the world, then become the greatest
SERVANT in the world." He then referred to Himself, saying that
He was the greatest among them, but He had come to wash feet and
die.
The
first book Barb and I wrote together gave a story about how I had
gone ahead of her in a number of investments that she did not
"feel" good about. I was taught that the man made the
final decision if we couldn't agree, so I went ahead with my
projects. But all of them exploded in my face, and we lost a great
deal of money. I was not playing on Barb's team. Marriage is a
covenant partnership. If Barb has the Holy Spirit (she does) and if
I have the SAME Holy Spirit (I do), would the Holy Spirit tell Barb
to do something and tell me to do just the OPPOSITE and break up our
team? I don't think so. It wouldn't make sense for Him to do this. I
like Genesis 2:18 that says the woman "completes" the man,
and together they become one flesh, a team. If a couple doesn't
agree on a decision, I believe that God is saying WAIT. I don't
think He is honored by having either one of the partners do it their
own way against the wishes of the other.
God
is not asking women to be doormats. Barb has been in my face, making
me talk, pushing me to honor relationships, working on my anger,
helping me make God a priority, encouraging me to serve rather than
have my own needs met all the time. It is only because she has done
that that I write this letter to you. Barb has been God's key player
in changing my life, and I will be eternally grateful.
There
is also the matter of the "glory" principle. The Bible
says that Jesus Christ is the glory of God. That means He radiates
all of God's characteristics like mercy, forgiveness, unconditional
love, kindness, patience. Then it says that a man is the glory of
Christ. Therefore as husbands we are to radiate to our wives
Christ's attributes, such as mercy, forgiveness, unconditional love,
kindness, patience, self control, dying to our own desires and the
like.
Most
churches get this wrong by thinking the Bible says women are the
glory of men. If this were true, then my wife would have to be
submissive to your husband, and the guy next door, and the men on
the street. What the Greek says is that A woman (singular) is the
glory of HER man (singular). In other words, it is talking from a
marriage context. One time we heard Howard Hendricks say that when
we see a sad wife, we should NEVER say, "What's wrong with
her?" We should say, "What's wrong with HIM?" She is
his radiance, his glory. She is reflecting back to him what she is
receiving.
Chuck
Snyder |
