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Dear
Chuck
I just read your
column about a woman who is no longer 'in love' with her husband,
and I agree with you whole-heartedly. Love is a decision, a choice,
to do those things that enable your partner to feel loved.
That being said, I dearly love, and am 'in-love' with my wife.
However, there has been a problem of late. Her doctor has prescribed
her an anti-depressant medication, which has almost totally
suppressed her desire to make love. This has frustrated both of us
to no end, but that is not the entire problem. I suppose partly
because she has not been desirous of me, I have been noticing, and
have been feeling attracted to other women. Though I have struggled,
and still do, with some pornography, I am not unfaithful to my wife,
but my desires are distracting me. I'm not sure, but I feel as
though some of the women I see know what I am thinking, and
sometimes seem almost uncomfortable about it. I know the Bible says
to look at a woman with lust in your heart is the same thing, but I
am unable to control these desires which I can't fulfill with my
wife in her present condition. She has discussed the problem with
her doctor, but her doctor seems unwilling to change the medication.
She then decided to simply stop taking the medication, but now she
also suffers from the mood swings and outbursts, which was why she
was placed on the medication in the first place. She is much more
loving, but at the same time, much more angry as well. How can I
tame my own desires and remain true to my wife? How can I curb these
rampant thoughts from taking hold in my mind? I don't want these
thoughts and desires to ruin my marriage. Please help me!
Chuck's
Response
Thanks
for the note about your wife's medication affecting her desire to
make love, and your frustration, which is resulting from this. I
have no idea whether either one of you are born-again, true, sold
out, dedicated disciples of Jesus Christ, but the Bible is very
clear that we are to take care of the other person's sexual needs regardless
of whether we feel like it. If she is not a Christian, then she
could care less about what the Bible says, but if she is ... you
might share this with her.
The
man should give his wife all that is her right as a married woman,
and the wife should do the same for her husband: for a girl who
marries no longer has full right to her own body, for her husband
then has his rights to it, too; and in the same way the husband no
longer has full right to his own body, for it belongs also to his
wife. So do not refuse these rights to each other. The only
exception to this rule would be the agreement of both husband and
wife to refrain from the rights of marriage for a limited time, so
that they can give themselves more completely to prayer. Afterwards,
they should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt
them because of their lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
(Living)
God
didn't just jot down a few idle thoughts on the back of an envelope
or something. This must have meant a great deal to His concept of
marriage to include this idea. A wife is only serving herself when
she refuses her husband. I'll go another step ... she should
be the initiator once in awhile ... whether she feels like it or
not. Sex is a man's greatest need. Now, that absolutely blows
women away ... especially after marriage. Usually when a woman finds
out that our greatest need is sex, her first thought is usually of
some kind of animal. God gave men this intense desire and
interest to make sure the human race survives, and also to give a
married couple the highest ecstasy this life can offer. Sex was God's
idea. And He thought long and hard about whether to give Adam or Eve
the primary responsibility for this part of marriage. In God's
foreknowledge He realized that if He trusted Eve with this important
work, she never would have thought about it! The Bible would only
have one book in it, because the history of mankind would have been
written about Abraham, Isaac, Jaaccccob, and poof. The end of
the human race would have come quickly, because Eve had so many
other things to think about.
On
the other hand, Adam was focused and one-dimensional and expressed
his eagerness to take care of this critical part of God's plan for
mankind, and God in his foreknowledge knew he would do a good job.
Therefore when I speak to women's groups, I try to explain that when
their husbands want to go to bed a little early once in awhile, it
is not for himself. It's for the destiny of mankind,
the preservation of the race!! What a noble and
soul-stirring burden for man to carry. Every husband is interested
in being in strict obedience to his God as he carries out God's
mandate to preserve the human race from going down the drain because
of the woman being so busy. Are women always impressed with this
explanation? Two of them are. There is one woman living in Enid,
Okla., and one from Post Falls, Idaho. All the rest of the women
think I am only trying to make an excuse for their animal husbands.
Sex
is one of those areas of life where the man and women are not only
not on the same page, they aren't even reading the same book. The
problem comes within the framework of a monogamous marriage, where
most men are constantly thinking about physical sex. On the other
hand, most women rarely think about physical sex, except as the
frosting on the cake of a loving, caring marriage relationship, yet
the first thoughts of a man are about sex.
Maybe
you need to do more about wooing her and making sure the
relationship is doing well in all the other areas other than sex.
Someone said that sex begins in the kitchen. For women, sex
begins with a relationship. For men sex is an event. We can have sex
on the roof, in a closet, on the front lawn, or on the Capitol
steps, like one man did. The first thoughts of a woman, however, are
usually about the relationship, and how she is being treated
in other areas of her marriage. Someone has said men make love to
feel good and women make love when they feel good. That means
the whole relationship has to be going well before the woman feels
like going to bed with her husband.
Both
the man and wife have to unconditionally meet the other's needs at
times, regardless of feelings and situations. Sex is to be richly
enjoyed and is one of the key building blocks to the marriage
relationship. But when the woman is offended because her husband
wants to go to bed all the time, and the man is offended because his
wife is never enthusiastic or seems to be only going through the
motions and participating as a duty, or shows no interest or
creativity, then there are problems in River City.
I'm
not sure you can tell her all this without her thinking you don't
understand her situation, but I wanted you to have the big picture
of what God expects. As for what's happening in your mind, only you
can decide not to sin when you see other women. And if you
have God in your life, He will help you run from temptation
if you ask Him and mean it. You swore before God and His angels that
you would be faithful to your wife until death in sickness or
health, joy or sorrow, for richer or poorer, for better or worse.
This is some of the "worse" that has entered your
relationship, and you'll have to deal with it the best you can.
Sorry I don't have an easier answer, but try to stay focused on the
things your wife does right ... and approve and support and
comfort. I'm sure this is no fun for her either, but maybe with some
tender loving care, she will become more responsive. My latest book
is called The Way to a Woman's Heart, and I'd love to send
you a copy as my gift. I talk a lot about situations similar to the
one you are in. I would need a mailing address, P.O. box, business
address ... whichever you would be most comfortable with. Those are
some thoughts for consideration. Let me know if you want to talk
further.
Chuck
Snyder |
