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Dear
Chuck
Right now, my heart is heavy, I know God is in control and I know He
has my life safely in His hands but I just want your advice. I am a
working mother because although my husband is a college graduate, he
has not been able to provide for the family. Before he entered into
ministry, he was in one part-time job or the other. I know he
applied for jobs but he was not able to land one that provided for
us. As time went on, he started a small business where he worked
very hard, but things didn't really pick up. During this time his
calling to full time ministry was getting stronger, which meant I
would have to carry the financial burden of the home again.
Sometimes
I am OK with all of this, but sometimes I get very bitter. I see
other women whose husbands work and they are able to stay home with
their children. I couldn't. I have often asked, "How long,
Lord?" It is like my life is just to have kids and keep the
home going financially. I could have walked out of our marriage many
times but I have just believed God will see us through. Many times I
have cried before God and talked with my husband about how I feel,
but we are still in the same shoes.
My
husband is a wonderful father and a good pastor who helps people,
but in the area of finances I am having to carry the load. Please
pray for us and my son, who can be a challenge. Sometimes I am
concerned for him in that he doesn't have a good role model in terms
of men providing for their families, but I can only trust God to
help him.
Chuck's
Response
I was sad hearing about your financially irresponsible husband. He
is clearly out of God's will. Here are the biblical
priorities for a husband.
-
His
relationship with Jesus Christ I know lots of
"church" leaders that really don't have a very close
relationship with Jesus Christ. They work hard at being
religious and doing church stuff, but fail miserably at being
the cornerstone of the family.
-
His
wife
Ephesians 5:25-30 says ... "And you husbands show the same
kind of love to your wives as Christ showed to the church when
he died for her, to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism
(spiritual) and God's Word so that he could give her to himself
as a glorious church without a single spot or wrinkle or any
other blemish, being holy and without a single fault. That is
how husbands should treat their wives, loving them as parts of
themselves, For since a man and his wife are now one, a man is
really doing himself a favor and loving himself when he loves
his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it,
just a Christ cares for his body, the church, of which we are
parts
The church has been giving out a lot of false information over
the past 2,000 years or so concerning what submission and
headship mean. Most of us have been taught that submission is
something a wife does, and leadership or headship is what the
man does. The problem is that Ephesians 5:21 says men
should submit. It talks about mutual submission under
God, equality, teamwork. Then Ephesians 5:22 says "wives
submit" but the context is a discussion as to how wives and
husbands feel loved and the roles in which they would be the
happiest.
-
His
kids and grandkids
I Timothy 3:2, 4-5, 8 says ... "For a pastor must be a good
man whose life cannot be spoken against. (4-5) He must have a
well-behaved family with children who obey quickly and quietly.
For if a man can't make his own little family behave, how can he
help the whole church? (8) The deacons must be the same sort of
good, steady men as the pastors."
-
Making
a living
2 Timothy 5:8 says ... "But anyone who won't care for his
own relatives when they need help, especially those living in
his own family, has no right to say he is a Christian. Such a
person is worse than the heathen"
-
Ministry
The above verses and others imply to me that a man shouldn't be
asked to even sweep out the church until his home is in
order financially, emotionally, and spiritually. How can he
serve the church family if the needs of his own family
are not being met?
I don't think the church is taking a close enough look
at Matthew 20:20-28 when the mother of James and John asked Jesus if
her kids could sit up front with Him when He came into His kingdom.
I'm sure He was polite to her, because that's what moms do, look out
for their children. But later, He took His disciples and followers
aside and said in effect, "That's what the Kings do, that's
what the Gentiles do, that's what the Romans do. They have to be up
front, in charge, the head. If you want to be the head of a family,
head of a church, head of a business, head of a mission, then become
a servant. And if you want to become the greatest leader in the
world, then become the greatest servant in the world."
He then referred to Himself saying that He was the greatest among
them, but He had come to wash feet and die.
The first book that my wife, Barb, and I wrote together
outlined how I had gone ahead of her in a number of investments that
she did not "feel" good about. I was taught that the man
made the final decision if we couldn't agree, so I went ahead with
my projects ... but all of them exploded in my face, and we lost a
great deal of money. I had gotten off Barb's team. Marriage is a
covenant partnership. If Barb has the Holy Spirit, and she does, and
if I have the same Holy Spirit, and I do, would the Holy
Spirit tell Barb to do something and tell me to do just the opposite
and break up our team? I don't think so. It wouldn't make sense for
Him to do this. I like Genesis 2:18 that says the woman
"completes" the man ... and together they become one
flesh, a team. If a couple doesn't agree on a decision, I believe
that God is saying wait. I don't think He is honored by
having either one of the partners do it their own way against the
wishes of the other. God is not asking women to be doormats.
As for you working, I know my suggestion is risky, and
for sure don't do it unless you have God's peace, but I would give
him a deadline when you are going to quit work and come home. Maybe
Oct. 1 or whatever, to give him some time to find something. The
risk is that he would continue his disobedience and you and the kids
will be hurt financially. The problem is that as long as you keep
bailing him out, why would he want to be responsible? This sounds
harsh, but this seems to be your only alternative as far as I can
see. I would be happy to talk further if you would like to. Thanks
for reaching out.
Chuck
Snyder |
