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Dear
Chuck
I married my second husband a year and a half ago. We were both
divorced. He has a 14-year-old son and I have a 5-year-old son. Both
of them live with us. We only started going to church four months
after we got married due to problems. We now have found Christ again
and a renewed love for the Lord through our church. We were both
raised in church during childhood but rebelled, as we got older. We
now love the church and want to go as much as we can. But should
kids be "forced" to go to church because their parents do?
His
teenage son is having a difficult time with our regained morals,
values, beliefs, etc. Things that never bothered us before now
offend us since we see they are evil and displeasing to God (e.g.
music, clothing and language). My husband has not forced his son to
go with us to church since he says he was made to go as a child and
resented it. I resented my parents for years for the same reason,
but now that I'm a parent, I feel that it is my duty to "train
up my child in the way he should go."
His
son (being a teenager!) is the source of many conflicts in our home,
and I have told my husband his son might benefit from a
"morality lesson" he wouldn't otherwise receive and he may
even come to know Christ. I guess it may seem unfair to his son to
make a complete change in our family, but so far we haven't really
sought any change from him. He's been invited to come with us for
over a year, but he never does. He stays in his room, sleeps in, or
he stays away at friends a lot because he "just can't be
himself" in our house. I would feel differently if his son was
an adult, but he's only 14 and thinks he's a man. I try to stay out
of the parent/child conflicts and respect my husband's decisions but
it is becoming harder and harder to keep my mouth shut.
I
know family counseling would help us a great deal (not that we'd all
attend) but any advice you can give me would be appreciate.
Chuck's
Response:
Thanks for the note about your husband's teen-age son. I don't blame
you for being concerned, because you can bet your son will
begin picking up all the bad things he is seeing. These are all the
consequences for the sin of divorce. God forgives divorce like any
other sin, but the consequences go on.
I
think you need to be honest with your husband concerning the danger
that your son will model himself after his older brother. You are in
an almost impossible position. It would be great if the teenager
could start a new life with his Mom or a Grandma or foster home ...
but I assume your husband wouldn't take too kindly to that. Everyone
is in mortal danger if the actions of his son go unchecked. I
realize you cannot throw him into the pickup and haul him to church,
but maybe do a little research around the community to find a church
with a fabulous youth program. Start attending there to make sure
they are on the up and up, and then see if you can have the leader
of the group take your son out for a Coke sometime and begin a
relationship with him. I don't care if you and your husband are
being fed at the church. You can listen to Chuck Swindoll tapes in
the car. Your teen should be the focus of your efforts for the few
short years he will be with you. It will take someone outside the
family to change him. All you can give him is all sorts of
unconditional love.
I
think he probably is beyond teaching by you or your husband because
of the step situation. You might see what your husband thinks about
this. I fear for you with this much time left at home without his
attitude and habits being checked. These are my thoughts. Let me
know if you want to talk further.
Chuck
Snyder |
